A Mothers Journey

Goodbye to that Chaper of my Life

2011-04-25T15:56:00.000-07:00

I'm glad to say they DROPPED my case. After 6 months of battling child services, they dropped my case. Of course I left the state, but the new state i'm in finally saw that I am not a bad mom, and we have a clean house. So my old state was left with dropping my case. It's such a stress that is out of my life. Out of my childrens life. Letting my son Brayden rest in peace. I can finally sit back and grieve over my son, spend time with my children, without having to think that each day could be my last.

How can they do this to people!!??

2011-02-18T18:21:00.000-08:00

I sit here wondering how they can be so harsh and so wrong in so many ways.

Feb. 14, 2011 I am planning on getting married but first I have to get through my therapy appointment. So I got she talks as usually trying to pin things on me. "Borderline personality disorder, PTSD, Compulsive Liar, Impulsive personality." Then she says she has a paper I have to sign on the computer. I said I have to read it or I won't sign it. She tells me NO. I tell her then i'm not signing it so she reads off like 10 minutes of things I have to complete by 6 weeks. I say fine. Though some I disagree with. Such as I need to learn to grocery shop and how to cook. Which seems silly. So I sign the little pad and ask for a copy she's not happy I want a copy but oh well. I see the copy and she left out 2 pages of things against me she didn't read so I stop her walking down the hall, mad, with all the lies. She yells at me to get into the room and stands there SCREAMING at me 2 inchs away from my face and pointing her finger in my face. I told her I don't have unprotected sex, jump relationship to relationship, have panic attacks, and a few more. She tries arguing with me on some of these I tell her I think I would be the first one to know if I had any of these. So she revises a little bit of it and hands me a new copy.

So I got married, it seemed like such a great day. Newly married to my sons father. He decided to go take a nap that afternoon after so little sleep. I decided to go take a bath with my children. We had only been home maybe 30 minutes when I hear a banging at the door. I yell for Aaron to go open the door and he does. It's the caseworker.

She's on the phone with the police to come to the house. She's ready to take my kids. Why you might ask? Because we didn't hear her knocking on the door she's outside taking photos of I guess a garbage bag a dog got into to show the side yard as a mess. Takes a photo of a pregnancy test of Braydens I had found and didn't want to lose, and some rolling tobacco (which she made the cop smell to make sure it wasn't a drug...seriously)

I'm crying my eyes out while she's outside calling the judge asking for an emergency removal of the children. She comes back in and tells us how lucky we are she went to a 3 hour class that day saying that children should stay in the parents home. (Which I think it's the judge saying no) so she lets me keep my kids after over an hour of toying with us, yelling at us, telling us what horrible parents we are. I was devistated. Before knowing I was going to keep them I was taking photos and videos of them to remember them. Sitting in the living room after taking them out of the bath getting them dressed to go...it broke my heart. Honestly how can you tell me I don't care about my kids. They are my life, they are what I live for.

So went to the Meeting

2011-02-08T19:52:00.000-08:00

I actually made sure to record it to show my family how they degrade me. How they speak to Aaron and I. The whole meeting was about my mom, aaron and I.

Basically she starts off going "out of 17 things how many do you think you passed" I said well I know of two you said I didn't pass so I would say 14 or 15. Then she goes "Well lets go around the room and ask everyone for my amusement" 2 out of 5 people said they would have to review them. My parenting class lady said at least half, my therapist said NONE (meaning I passed NONE), and they didn't ask Aaron.

I failed 5. I got 12/17 that I passed. I am in contempt of court for

1. Letting Aaron stay with me before the background check came back (but I knew he would pass...he was a mailman, if he would have been in trouble he wouldn't be a mailman.)

2. For not having a job yet (but aaron got a job and I want to be a stay at home mom. His job covers ALL the bills plus extra left over)

3. For asking the one lady to not look in a room (which she did, I just knew it was messy.)

4. For missing a scheduled appointment (the lady said she would be there at 8:30 and she wasn't so I went to a friends house and at the meeting she lied and said she said 9:30 but we have her recorded saying 8:30)

5. For a messy house in the beginning (NOT RECENTLY. But messy being like some dirty dishes...but I have all the ladies coming by my house saying my house is clean, and that it's not about my house anymore. I record everything now.)

They want to take my kids. In the meeting they told me that I must be a bordler line personality disorder because I get defensive when I'm around them. OF COURSE I DO THEY WANT MY KIDS. And I jump relationship to relationship. I jumped in instantly and said "I have only been in 2 relationships in my life. I was single for a year waiting for my childs father and never even kissed another guy" I don't see how I am. I'm not impulsive like they seem to try to pin on me. I don't do drugs, I don't drink...

It's not looking good on my part honestly. Even though I try my best and I don't do anything wrong, they still want to make me look like the bad guy. I don't know what to do.

CPS shouldn't be on my case if there is no abuse or neglect suspected. My kids have never had anything broken or bruised (well besides the normal bruise of playing around kind of thing on their leg or something), my kids are always happy loving children, that they are getting an education, a loving supportive family, regular doctors visits, well dressed, tons of clothes and toys, daily baths, regular schedule, daily healthy meals 3 times a day plus healthy snacks, they learn sometime new everyday and very sweet smart children. Plus on top of that my bills are always on time and paid, we have extras like tv/net/phone that some people don't have, they have their own rooms...

Honestly in my opinion they are wasting their time on a person like me when there are actually children out there that need help. But they want to waste their time on me. If I was such a bad person like they try to make me sound would my kids really have everything they have or be loved like they are.

I hate seeing my daughter scared to get into a car because she thinks she might be taken away from me again. It killed me hearing my daughter screaming for me when I was walking to the car while aaron was putting her in the car. These people are doing more harm to my children then anything. Emotionally hurting my children.

So much for a lawyer...

2011-02-02T14:06:00.000-08:00

Well I got super excited when I found out I was getting a real lawyer. My mom paid him money to come to my next meeting because of the weather. Which is what the meeting was about was to meet my family. But of course they can't come. But at least I had a lawyer...but because I had a court appointed lawyer he won't do anything unless he gets paid $1500. So in the whole 20 hours of time I had him as a lawyer...well I guess less then that about 8. He is only giving us back less then half of what we already paid him and won't come to the meeting. So now i'm scared to go to the meeting because I'll be alone. Without family, without a lawyer, without Aaron. This looks so bad on me since they are expecting a lawyer and my family...

My final courtdate where I keep my kids or not is coming to a close. I have 33 days left until court. It sounds like awhile. But it's not, knowing I could lose my kids. It hurts so bad. I love them, they are my life, I would do anything for my kids.

Okay CPS Visits and Meetings...Updated...

2011-01-31T17:53:00.000-08:00

So I haven't wrote on any of my cases for a little bit... so I decided it's about time to actually update about them. It's Crazy.

Braydens Daddy came to live with me to help me out, and be with me. He wanted a fresh start with me, and I trust him with all my heart. My mom loves him. But he was told he cannot stay with me until his background check is done. He was supposted to sleep in the truck until they got his background report back. Well a couple weeks pass, and we call there, get nothing back. So I decided I would let him stay in the house rather then where they wanted him outside in the cold. I know he's never been in trouble before.

Every visit to our house was good "your house is clean" but of course they would find at least one thing they would change. Of course...no surprise. So we had a meeting the 24th of January. Aaron decided he was going to go to it to hear how they talk to me. They love to call me a liar and put me down and tell me my mom doesn't want me near her. (in her state). So he sits down and the case worker asks "What do your parents think of you living down here" and he goes "They are supportive. But.." she cuts him off and calls him a liar and that she spoke to his stepmom and they had nothing nice to say about me or the situation. I have never met his dad or his dads side of the family so they cannot judge me based on what aaron may have said when we had our breakup. Anything bad on us, is good for child services.

So as the meeting continue we keep getting told that I'm on thin ice, that I will probably lose my kids, that I am in contempt of court for letting Aaron stay with me, that we are both liars. She even called aaron and I "a match made in heaven" and that he may be what makes me lose my children.

This poor guy moved across have the country to be with me, got a job 1 1/2 weeks after being here and has taken the role of daddy to my children. Neither of us do drugs (we both have to get drug tested by child services), we don't party and we both have a perfect background record. Yet they are hounding him horribly. Calling his family and trying to drag them in this when they have NOTHING to do with my children or myself. This case is about my two children that are NOT blood related to him at all.

Soooo after two hours of being lectured by child services, we got to go home. The next day the caseworker came to my house, and I tell her I wanted my parents to be at the next meeting. She gets all snippy and says "Well good lets make it next week then" I just tell her we need to give them time to come and she makes the day Feb. 7th. (Which is exactly one month before my main court date) then the case worker tells me... "I just hope it's not to late" meaning I would probably lose my kids.

You know what they tell me? (Of course not...haven't said yet hee hee) but she said... "It's not about your house, it's not about Brayden it's about your childrens supervision" honestly they started the case about my son, found out it was SIDS, so they switch to it's my house, they say it's not a danger to my children so they switch to it's my childrens supervision. They are trying to find ANY REASON to take my children away and that scares me. It's like I got a target on my back. They want my children no matter if they have to snoop and lie.

So my only hope now is that my mom can save me. She will be at this meeting then they can't say i'm lying because my mom will be there to say that she DOES want me to move to her state, that she wants me to keep my kids, and so on. I'm just scared........I am so scared and tired of living day by day with thoughts and dreams that it might actually be the last days with my children and I'm just counting down to dooms day...

Today's My Daughters Birthday

2011-01-31T17:41:00.000-08:00

It's so much fun seeing my daughter get older, smarter, sweeter. Seeing her learn is the best feeling. Hearing her saying I love you. I love seeing her eyes light up with her gifts, eatting her cake and playing with her gifts. She's my everything.

But with every holiday I start getting sad because I'm scared it could be my last holiday with my kids. I can't imagine life without my kids. When I found out I was pregnant with Maddie, as young as I was I decided I wanted to keep her. When I had her I ran out and got a job, finished highschool with straight A's and tried to make myself better for my daughter. When I had my son, I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Having two children really shows you how much fun it is to be a parent. Seeing your children grow together and grow so attached. It makes your heart melt.

When I gave birth to Brayden, Madison was like a little mama. She loved being a big sister, wanted to show her baby brother how to do things. Though he was to little, she tried. Sean wasn't too sure on a baby so he didn't really go near Brayden. But Madison wanted to help anyway she could.

When I think that I might actually lose my kids it kills me. It feels like my heart is being ripped out. Without my kids I would feel empty. They are my everything. They are what make me try harder as a parent and person! They helped me grieve over Brayden. Having them with me made me feel so much better.

As March gets closer and what child services say to me (another blog) scare me that I might lose my kids. I'm so scared. March 7...I wish it would just never come :(

It makes you wonder...

2011-01-24T22:24:00.000-08:00

It makes you wonder is the system ever really on your side? No matter how hard you try, they always will come up with something even if they have to lie, snoop and degrade you. They will find something on you. You can be like me, never been in trouble, not a drug user, single mother of three beautiful children and trying hard to make your childrens life easy. Making sure your kids are taken care of and they come first. Yet they will hurt those kind of parents the hardest.

You read about parents that live like slobs, beat their children, go out partying all day, do drugs in front of their children, yet child services is called on them and nothing happens to them. I have seen child services called on a lady that let her 2 year old daughter outside butt naked without any parents or supervision, and yet child services doesn't do anything about that.

I have known people that had meth labs in their homes and they had child services called on them and they still have their kids. Parents that do crack in front of their kids, and live in a home with nothing, moving place to place with nothing, sleeping in empty apartments with no electricity yet their children are still in their home.

Then you see me, actually trying to do everything for my children. I would NEVER imagine doing drugs or putting my children in harms way. I am careful who I choose to hang out with because in todays world you never really know who to trust, especially around children, yet they have me dangling from a leash telling me I will lose my children over the silliest things. Like not getting rid of my kitten that is so well behaved. They are wanting things from me and turning my world around.

I am finally happy having my sons father back in my life, yet they continue to harass me and try to make my life hard. They aren't happy to see me with someone. Though he has a perfect background record, has a history of great jobs, and a great father. They look at you like you are a liar, imperfection is what they look for, and make themselves sound like the perfect people in the world. We all have flaws, no matter who you are, you have flaws. It's human nature. NO parent is perfect, all we can do is try our best and learn from our mistakes.

I sit here writing this hoping to get some anger off my chest. Praying I will keep my kids and get to move and live a happy life and have the family and life I have always dreamed of. Nothing will bring back my baby boy, but he will never be gone from my mind or heart. I want to make the best for his brother and sister, and give them a life that I got as a child. It's just hard living day by day wondering "could today be my last day with my children"

Court Today

2010-11-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

I went into court, waited for an hour, walked in and got to sit down. The judge said "Last time you said your children were in need of services and that you didn't want a lawyer" I said "Well I would like to change that I want a lawyer" so the judge said okay you will get _______ (leaving name out) and to come back to court next monday. (The 29th of November). Then he asked the child services people "Do you feel the children should stay in the home with the mother" and of course they said yes for now.

When I went to court I had everything prepared, every class I needed to have done, got my kids enrolled in preschool and head start, pictures of my home, doctors paperwork for the children. I was very prepared to fight anything they had to say.

They made me take a drug test though, I had no idea they could do a saliva test never heard of that one before. The child services lady asked me what I thought it would turn out as, I said "Clean, I don't do drugs"

So all and all it went good... for now!

She came by Today

2010-11-17T13:18:00.000-08:00

I was pretty mad when the parenting class lady for child services came by. I told her my kids got to the doctor, that I was getting my daughter in school and getting my son to a head start. I am doing everything they asked me to do, yet they won't just stop and leave me alone.

Today the lady looked around my house, what she complained about today was, "There are little spots on the stove" I was like "yeah I was just cooking...see there's the pan of food I just cooked" but she wasn't too thrilled with those spots on my stove from the food.

She also had a problem with coins on my table. I had my ID card, Medical Card and some money on my table , which my kids don't mess with the diningroom table but they didn't like that being there.

I just don't get why they can't just be happy. I told her that you can't keep a house perfect 24/7. She said she understood but this is what they are looking for. I just don't get it. What else made me MAD was the fact that my caseworker made the parenting class lady go with me to the school to make sure she saw me sign the papers for my daughter to get started in school. By this time I was in defense mode, I was heated, and just mad. I was like "if I don't want my daughter in preschool I don't have to have her in preschool. It's not required by law. I am doing this because I wanted to for a couple months now. NOT because you guys TELL me I have to." I wasn't happy at all today. They can't say ONE single positive thing EVER!!

Busy Day

2010-11-15T15:37:00.000-08:00

Still Child Services haven't come by my house. They haven't been by Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Today. I didn't think they would go this long.

But I am happy, took my children to the doctors today, My daughter, like I figured was caught up on her shots and didn't need a checkup because she just got one 3 months ago. My son only needed one shot. They are healthy and growing like they should. My daughter is 38 inchs tall and my son is 37 inchs tall. So basically 3 foot 2 inchs and 3 foot 1 inch. They are at a good weight. I was really happy with the check up. :) They are doing good. That's a good thing.

Got my bills paid. Well paid my TV and Electric. I got money orders for all the rest. So I guess I got to send those in.

Going to call the school tomorrow and get my daughter in a speech therapy preschool that works with children for special needs. And I'm going to have a person come to my house and work with my son on learning certain things. Though he is where he should be. It can't hurt to learn stuff.

So I hope Child Services will see that I am attempting. Though they are really expecting a lot. I don't think anything I do will please them but at least i'm getting stuff done.

Court Paperwork

2010-11-14T14:17:00.000-08:00

It's crazy to think the things they are telling me are wrong in every single way. When I read the court paperwork they weren't what they told me, they were better for me. There were also lies on the paperwork, assumptions, wrong ones at that. It's like they don't know what they are talking about. I am still not looking forward to court, I don't know what to expect. I have never heard of people having to go through things like this, being treated like this, and lied about like this.

Child services still haven't been to my house since Wednesday. So I am pretty positive that they will be here Monday for sure. I don't think they can go Thursday, Friday and all weekend without stopping by and keep letting me go. Plus I need to have a little discussion with some of the stuff on the court paperwork that are lies!

This all gives me a headache. On top of that I still don't have my car up and running. My dad and Uncle have been working on my car on and off maybe 30 minutes at a time every couple weeks for the past 2 months and yet I don't have a running car. It's quite annoying, especially when you live out in the middle of no where, where no buses run through that area and there is nothing you can do without a car.

Well there's my vent for the day.

Court is coming too soon

2010-11-12T19:28:00.000-08:00

Again no one came by today. They say they will show up randomly, but it's been two days. I don't know if they come on weekends or not... so I just have to be prepared for anything.

But court is coming up in just 1 week. I am not looking forward to it. I looked for a court appointed lawyer, but of course they are full. I don't know how they can be "full" isn't this one of our rights as a US citizen? I don't understand this stuff. I have never been to court before for anything until two days after my son passed away to be told I will get my kids back.

I keep praying each day that I keep my kids, I can't live my life without my kids. They are my everything. They need their mommy. The last time they were gone for 2 days my daughter was scared to get in a car. Them taking kids away is just wrong, it really messes with children especially children that are loved by their parent. I just don't get how they can rip families apart like they do for no good reason...

It's been a month since I said goodbye

2010-11-11T23:04:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking that it's been a month since I said goodbye. It's 1:55 am and at this time a month ago he was awake and giggling at me and laughing and just seemed so much happier then ever before. He was such an amazing little boy full of love and excitment. I miss his beautiful smile and those beautiful dimples. I miss his eyes full of learning.

I guess I can share his birth story it was a crazy birth story...

From 37 weeks - 39 weeks pregnant I kept getting braxton hicks that would come 5 minutes apart for hours on end, but I never ran to the hospital because I wanted to wait to see if they would last and they never would. I was due July 8th, 2010. The morning of July 9th, 2010 I woke up at 1 am with some contractions but I just through they were braxton hicks once again so I didn't get too excited. But I stayed awake to see if it was the real deal. They were 15 minutes apart, then the next would be 13, then the next 15, then 12 they weren't consistant so I figured they were just braxton hicks once again.

As time went on they seemed to get closer together but still not consistent. There was even a 30 minute break where I didn't get any contractions. Plus I thought your water had to break for you to be in labor. That's what happened with my last son.

Around 6 am I was STILL getting contractions except now they were like 5 minutes, 7 minutes, 6 minutes, 5 again. So I called the hospital and they told me to come in. I figured they were just going to send me home, so I didn't take my diaper bag or anything. My stepmom watched my kids, my dad was at work. So I got in my car and drove to the hospital. I was on the phone with my mom telling her each time I got a contraction. They were getting closer and more painful. She told me they were about 2-3 minutes apart.

By the time I got myself to the hospital I couldn't walk. I would take 2 steps and cry. Finally someone got me in a wheelchair. I felt like I had to pee, I mean it felt like I was going to pee myself, I kept begging to sit on a toilet. Finally I got to, and that's when I realized I didn't have to pee, that pressure hurt and I couldn't really get off the toilet, finally I got off and got in the hospital bed for the nurse to check me.

She says "Looks like we're going to have a baby today" I said "how far along am I" thinking I would be maybe 5 cm, because I figured that anything further would be PAINFUL. She told me "You're 10 cm" that's when I freaked out. I wanted an epidoral, I wanted something but I got NOTHING. I was crying. I was scared, all by myself about to have a natural birth.

It was 7:00 by the time I got to the hospital and 7:10 when I started pushing. (They had to break my water first) He was already on his way out by the time I got in the bed. So 1-2 pushes and he was out. 7:14 am he was born. I got to cut his cord and hold him. I have to admit it was SO painful having a natural birth, and to have everything they do after without any medicine. But I got to see my son. My beautiful July baby, just like mommy. We were both July babies. He was born 17 days before my birthday, and only 8 before my dad's birthday.

Well that's his birth story, it was a crazy birth. But so rewarding and something that made me stronger.

Nothing New...But Some Thoughts

2010-11-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

Nothing happened today, no one came by to really bother me. Just cleaned my house all day. But I did talk to friends today and last night which brought us all to some good questions, that I really would love answered.

Why is it that parents that do drugs, and actually abuse their children and neglect their children doesn't lose their children? But parents that do care for their kids, and try hard, and sometimes a little down on their luck get messed with the worse?

I also noticed that single parents get it worse then parents that are in a relationship or married. If you have a messy house and you are married, I notice they just walk in and say "clean this house we'll be back in 48 hours to check it out" and that's that. But with me, it wasn't that bad but yet being the single mom I am, they have to up my classes, and come by every other day it seems like to look at my house and tell me everything that's wrong with it... not cool at all.

Here are some examples of people I actually know of that have kept their children.

1. This couple I babysat for, the husband's exwife and childrens mother was the one that had the children. He went to court fighting for his kids rights. But he kept losing except every other weekend and Wednesdays. Which doesn't seem that bad right? Because most people get that. But CPS had been to her house so many times. She had been busted with meth labs, child molestors living in her house, and doing drugs. They didn't take her children away, and she still won in court. Where is the justice?

2. My ex's cousin (who he doesn't talk to because she's a nut) has 4 children. Each came out crack addicted. The oldest isn't so bad, the 2nd oldest couldn't even talk by almost 4, her 3rd couldn't even hold his own head up at a year old and her youngest as I heard has a lump on his head and was born that way. She moved house to house without electricity, had no furniture for her kids, did drugs all the time, has been caught with her children getting ahold of crack pipes, and she's always with the wrong people, running the streets. Guess what, she got to keep her kids.

3. My neighbors behind me actually let their 2 year old daughter run BUTT naked outside, I see her climbing on cars, and just outside naked all the time. I ran over there when I was only living her 2 days and banged on the door. The mother took 10 minutes to get to the door, I was worried so much. "Your daughter is out here, naked and on that car" the mother looks at her daughter and says "She always does that" and walks back inside. She has been caught so many times with her daughter outside naked, even when it's freezing cold outside. Everyone has to bring her daughter back to the house because she runs across the street and stuff. I haven't had to do that yet. I know CPS has been called on her, her neighbors across the street from her called CPS on her, yet she still has her kids and CPS isn't bothering her. We still see her daughter getting outside all the time. It's so sad. To make it worse there is NEVER adult supervision.

My question is WHERE IS THE JUSTICE in any of this? I have a clean background, I am drug free, I have a perfect driving record even, but yet they are putting me through hell. I just don't understand why. I try hard. I made some mistakes, but I corrected my mistakes so they wouldn't happen again. My children are my life, my children are well fed, loved and each have their own room filled with toys and clothes. Yet they don't think I'm good enough for my kids? We have all our bills paid, and LOTS of food in the house, they are spoiled. I think this is a messed up world to treat people like this. So sad to see how our society works in todays world.

Child Services...and Treatment...

2010-11-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

I said in my last post how CPS was bothering me. I have kept my house clean, I have taken care of my kids, but nothing seems to make them happy. They keep hounding me, and make me feel like such a horrible mother. How can they do this to me?

I'll start from the beginning of this...since my last post what they did.

I know some of this is my fault. Everything was going good. The parenting class lady comes to my house. It seems good. She tells me to just rearrange my pantry of food and do a load of laundry. Because that's really all there was to do in my house. My house is normally clean. All my friends can confirm that I keep my house clean. Just that day there was so much stuff going on plus that weekend so much was going on before my son passed away. My family had come up to visit that weekend. Brought me so much stuff that I had to find a spot for.

My daughters bed was near her window, I had it cracked open. I like fresh air in my house, especially when it's nice out and it's usually cold. But that day was nice. I laid my daughter down for a nap, my son down for a nap and I decided to take a nap in the livingroom. I wasn't really wanting to sleep it just happened. I get woke up to a knock on my door. My daughter had gotten out her window and was just in her shirt. Do you know the fear that crossed my mind hearing this? I felt like something could have happened to her. It was a neighbor that brought her to me. I got her inside and moved her bed, put a lock on her window. I felt like the worse mother in the world. I told my family what had happened. They said that happens to a lot of people. I knew I shouldn't have taken a nap. But I felt a little safer with the lock on the window, plus the lock that was already on the window, and her bed away from there.

The next day, and yes the next day, I was sleeping on the bed with my daughter. I was scared to leave her alone after that. I just have been napping more because I can't sleep at night. I fear at night, I fear for my children because I check on them so many times a night.

I get woke up in my daughters bed (which is a full sized bed) to the CPS lady saying my name I woke up and jumped up. She was in my bedroom door. My daughter, being my daughter had open the door for her. I was double in trouble then. I couldn't believe it. I screwed up twice in two days. I was so scared they were going to take my kids. Then I put a baby door knob handle on all my doors, and a lock at the top of my front door that night. I wish my daughter didn't know how to open doors, but she's 3 and knows how to. Not with the baby doorknob though. There normally is one on it, but my mom had taken it off before she left because she hated it, she could never get that door open.

The original caseworker was at my therapy class, my first one. I told the therapist that I was scared to sleep at night for fear of something happening to my kids, and now I couldn't nap during the day because every time I did something bad happened. The CPS lady turned to me and said "You should be scared to sleep" I couldn't believe she had said that. She told me how they are putting all this in the report. I have court on the 19th for an evaluation to see if I keep my kids or not. I had this gut dropping feeling. She told me that i'm not improving like she was expecting. The therapist explained to me that not sleeping was normal and that the reason I have been sleeping so heavy during napping was because of the loss of my son and my depression of it. She told me I had "PTSD". The CPS lady told me I wasn't showing enough emotion! SERIOUSLY!?! Because I have so many going on I don't know what to do. I'm tired, angry, scared, sad, and just confused! I don't have a chance to be upset, let alone I don't cry in front of people I cry when i'm alone.

The next 3 days I was going on 5 hours of sleep. I was scared to sleep. All I did was clean and clean some more. I moved furniture and vaccumed under it, scrubbed cabinets, did anything that dealt with cleaning. I rearranged my house and just cried all the time. Cried for my son, cried for my children, cried knowing I will probably lose them, cried because I didn't have my family near me, cried because I was doing this all by myself.

The CPS lady showed up at my house, I was actually proud, my house was SPOTLESS. There was one piece of cereal and 4 crumbs on my floor from the kids eatting cereal and the first thing she said is "There shouldn't be food on the floor" then she looked around my house. That's all she could find that was wrong was that tiny mess. I couldn't believe this. They are looking for ANYTHING to use against me. I got defensive when she told me the person speaking for my children and cops didn't want me to have my kids. This is how our conversation went.

Me "You don't know what i'm going through, you won't let me grieve. None of you know what it's like to lose a child and then have all this happen to you"

Her "Quit trying to blame people for your mistakes"

Me "How am I blaming people?"

Her "Saying we didn't lose a child and all that"

Me "I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying"

Her "Enough, I didn't come here to argue"

Then she went on to say what others had reported on my house, like the people that came here, like the lady that spoke for my kids and the other lady. They leave half the story out, the only part they put is the part that will sound bad for me and good for them. I cannot believe this.

I saw my parenting class lady today and told her that I wanted a new caseworker and told her why. I am a little afraid this was probably a bad idea because now my caseworker may be mad. I can see this...

I just don't get why they keep messing with me. I am trying. I am a single mother of three children. But one of my children just passed away and they aren't giving me a chance to just cry, or enjoy my children. Now I look at my kids and just think this could be it, I could lose my kids soon when there are parents out there that are worse then me. I can name like 5 off the top of my head.

Loss of my Baby and The Week After

2010-11-10T19:18:00.000-08:00

So much has gone on and I thought maybe writing a personal blog might help me out, and get some of my feelings out and help me feel better.

I had such a horrible year. I cannot wait for the next year to begin it all started back in January of 2010 when I found out my boyfriend was leaving me. Not just that he was leaving me, but he one day just didn't come home from work. Come to find out he had moved 30 hours away. What makes it worse is that I was pregnant with his son and had two other children from a previous relationship.

He left me with an apartment, but no car, and an eviction notice the next day because all the money I had given him for rent, wasn't really going to rent, but instead his pocket. His excuse later on when he finally told me 3 weeks later was that he was stressed because he had lost his good paying job and had to work a minimum wage job, and was having a baby.

Moms can't just run away, but I guess it's easy for a "father" to. So I moved in with Friends because I didn't want to run back to my parents to help me again. But my friends turned out to be two faced, go figure. They were very well respected people, good jobs, great kids, at first life seemed good with them. But they turned around and were another group of horrible people.

So my dad came to the rescue in June of 2010. Life was actually looking up. I got my own place just 3 hours away from my dad. I had my beautiful son July 09 2010. That was a crazy labor, maybe a blog for another day? But to continue my story... I got my own car, my own place, met new friends. Had my three beautiful children with me. Nothing could have gotten better then this. Who could ask for more? I was enjoying life as a mother.

Then the day of Oct. 12, 2010 was the life changing day that changed me for life and started my life that I know today. I saw my beautiful boy at 2 am laughing and giggling, and just seemed happier then normal. He looked so happy. I gave him a bottle and laid him down. He fell asleep on the couch so I let him sleep there. Around 2:30 am I decided to lay down by him. The girls I watched got there at 4 am, but they always went to bed till 7 am when I had to get them up and ready for school.

7:30 am I hear a pounding at my door, my neighbor that NEVER comes to my house in the mornings came over. She walked in and told me if I heard my alarm going off and she needed something. I looked at the clock and jumped and ran into the room to wake up the little girl I babysit. Then walked back into the living room and noticed the blanket had went over my son. I ran over to him and uncovered him. He looked so peaceful there. But so pale. I put my hand on his chest, because I always check my childrens breathing when they sleep. But his chest wasn't moving. I lifted him up in such a panic. He was so limp and hot. I ran outside and screamed to my neighbor that came over to call 9-1-1 that my son wasn't breathing. I tried CPR on my son, and realized I had no idea what I was doing and my neighbor wasn't listening to me begging her to help me so I screamed at the top of my lungs "someone please save my baby" and a neighbor came running out and told me a first responder lived right across the street. I ran there and handed him my son. He took him inside at that point I fell to the grounded praying out loud and crying and shaking for God to save my son.

It was 7:33 am that we called 9-1-1 but it felt much longer. It took 5 mintues for the ambulance to get there. I got a ride from the police to the hospital as my other neighbors and good friends sat with my kids. I got to the hospital and sat in a room with a man I didn't know who he was and a detective. They asked me a thousand questions. I was still in shock and scared. At this point I didn't know if my son was alive or had passed away. Three nurses came into the room. One put her hand on my back and one on my knee. I plugged my ears, I knew what they were going to say and just said I don't want to hear it. But I heard her say "We tried everything..." then I didn't hear more she said and she asked "Do you want to be there when we pronounce him dead" I shook my head. I just said "Please let me call my Dad and Mom" I needed my family. My life was falling apart. It felt like a nightmare. I was waiting to wake up.

I called my mom and just said "mom I have horrible news" she asked me what. I said "Brayden passed away" she goes "what? how" and I just couldn't talk about it and told her to hurry down here. She lives five hours from me.

Then I called my dad and started off the same. But then I lifted the phone away from my head. I couldn't tell my dad his grandson didn't make it and told the nurse to please tell my dad. I didn't want to tell him, it would make it too real. How could I be saying that my son was gone? He was just a baby!

After 3 hours of questions, my neighbors wife, my good friend was there. We went to go see my son. This felt like such a long walk. I closed my eyes, I didn't want to watch myself walk to that room. We got to the room to see him and I looked at the ground and said "I can't" and the guy in the room I didn't know was really a preacher. We said a prayer for my son then I looked up and got to see him. He was so pale. So little. So helpless. I felt like I was a horrible mother. I wanted to just lift him up and hold him and hear him cry out for me. But instead I sat next to him wrapped in that blanket and looked at him. I rubbed his hair, I held his hand and told him how sorry I was and how much I loved him. I got to rub his feet, and kissed his face and nose and cheeks and hands. The nurse told me how beautiful my baby was.

I got home and my dad showed up. CPS was at my house. My kids were at my neighbors house. Playing outside. I didn't know what to expect. I finally got to hold my kids and kiss them and just felt a little better having them there. Then the CPS lady and detective told me to come in my house. It looked like crap in there from everyone walking in and out. They shut the door and told me the bad news that I was going to have my kids taken away. I quit listening to them and ran out of the house into my dads arms. "Dad, Dad they are taking my kids!!" I didn't have a choice, they wouldn't let my parents take them. I had to see my kids get taken away. I fell to the ground and cried.

They said my house was messy and not good for the children. I was so mad. It was the fault of the people coming in and out of my house for the mess. What the report said was this and yes I have a reason for it all! My livingroom had food on the floor. BECAUSE THE POLICE and my FRIEND fed my kids while I was at the hospital! I guess they didn't feel the need to clean it up. There were flies in the house. WELL YEAH! You guys had my door wide open all day while again I WAS AT THE HOSPITAL. and it's hot out so yeah flies get in! There was a bucket with chemicals in it. Well lets see because I was MOPPING my floor that night before I went to bed. I forgot to dump it out. There was a razor on the counter in the bathroom and an inch or two of water in the tub. I had shaved my legs that night and forgot to drain out the bathtub. I just needed that shave. I wish I wouldn't have. Dirty Dishes. Yeah okay this one is my fault, stupid me, I didn't do the dishes that night.

That was their reason for taking my kids. Then they complained my son had an oversized shirt on, that was too big for him. I had to get him dressed before I went to the hospital at that moment of panic I just grabbed the first outfit that went in my hand and put it on my kids. My kids when I had gotten back from the hospital were outside playing. But I got in trouble for them getting dirt on them, even though they were clean when I had left to go to the hospital.

I saw my kids the day after my son passed away. But was told I can't cry in front of them, can't take pictures of them, can't give them any gifts, can't be left alone with them. I couldn't believe I had RULES around my children. I got two hours with them.

Thursday, Oct. 14th I went to court. I was told that my children need services for me to get them back so I agreed. I was told I will get them back 8 pm that night but I have to attend parenting classes and a therapy class each week. Easy enough right? Well it's not as easy as you would think... this will be another blog explaining this!

Before I got my kids my dad wanted a final goodbye to my son. We went to the hospital to see my son. The hospital had no idea where he was, and he wasn't in the records. We were furious, how can they lose my son? They called around and found him at a funeral home. We went to the funeral home and my dad went in first to see my son to make sure he was okay for me to see.

Come to find out the funeral director had no idea whose baby Brayden was or even his name. He was just handed a baby. So he was enbombed without our premission because he had no idea. I got to see my son. He looked like a little doll. I kissed him and told him I loved him.

I got my kids back that night, it was such an amazing feeling to have them back in my arms again!! I kissed them. I was so grateful to have my babies. My mom was staying with me that week to help support me.

Friday, Oct. 15th we went back to the funeral home for the obituary, plan funeral arrangements and give him the outfit for Brayden. I got to see my son one last time, but I wanted to be alone with him. I looked at him, sitting there, he was so cold, I wanted to be able to warm him up again and make him be the Bray Bray I remember. But I just kissed him and rubbed his head and talked to him. I sung him his favorite song. And told him goodbye one final time. We chose to cremate him.

Friday, Oct. 22nd I got my son back. He was cremated and now he has a beautiful little urn.

Saturday, Nov. 6th, we did his memorial. It was a sweet little memorial. I got to see family that has never met my kids and I haven't seen for 5 plus years. But that day I found out my Uncle passed away the day before. Which was sad.

Okay this is my blog of my sons passing, and what happened afterwards. I will post more blogs of what child services is putting me through...and keep updated. I can see this being a long drawn out thing...