I went into court, waited for an hour, walked in and got to sit down. The judge said "Last time you said your children were in need of services and that you didn't want a lawyer" I said "Well I would like to change that I want a lawyer" so the judge said okay you will get _______ (leaving name out) and to come back to court next monday. (The 29th of November). Then he asked the child services people "Do you feel the children should stay in the home with the mother" and of course they said yes for now.
When I went to court I had everything prepared, every class I needed to have done, got my kids enrolled in preschool and head start, pictures of my home, doctors paperwork for the children. I was very prepared to fight anything they had to say.
They made me take a drug test though, I had no idea they could do a saliva test never heard of that one before. The child services lady asked me what I thought it would turn out as, I said "Clean, I don't do drugs"
So all and all it went good... for now!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
She came by Today
I was pretty mad when the parenting class lady for child services came by. I told her my kids got to the doctor, that I was getting my daughter in school and getting my son to a head start. I am doing everything they asked me to do, yet they won't just stop and leave me alone.
Today the lady looked around my house, what she complained about today was, "There are little spots on the stove" I was like "yeah I was just cooking...see there's the pan of food I just cooked" but she wasn't too thrilled with those spots on my stove from the food.
She also had a problem with coins on my table. I had my ID card, Medical Card and some money on my table , which my kids don't mess with the diningroom table but they didn't like that being there.
I just don't get why they can't just be happy. I told her that you can't keep a house perfect 24/7. She said she understood but this is what they are looking for. I just don't get it. What else made me MAD was the fact that my caseworker made the parenting class lady go with me to the school to make sure she saw me sign the papers for my daughter to get started in school. By this time I was in defense mode, I was heated, and just mad. I was like "if I don't want my daughter in preschool I don't have to have her in preschool. It's not required by law. I am doing this because I wanted to for a couple months now. NOT because you guys TELL me I have to." I wasn't happy at all today. They can't say ONE single positive thing EVER!!
Today the lady looked around my house, what she complained about today was, "There are little spots on the stove" I was like "yeah I was just cooking...see there's the pan of food I just cooked" but she wasn't too thrilled with those spots on my stove from the food.
She also had a problem with coins on my table. I had my ID card, Medical Card and some money on my table , which my kids don't mess with the diningroom table but they didn't like that being there.
I just don't get why they can't just be happy. I told her that you can't keep a house perfect 24/7. She said she understood but this is what they are looking for. I just don't get it. What else made me MAD was the fact that my caseworker made the parenting class lady go with me to the school to make sure she saw me sign the papers for my daughter to get started in school. By this time I was in defense mode, I was heated, and just mad. I was like "if I don't want my daughter in preschool I don't have to have her in preschool. It's not required by law. I am doing this because I wanted to for a couple months now. NOT because you guys TELL me I have to." I wasn't happy at all today. They can't say ONE single positive thing EVER!!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Busy Day
Still Child Services haven't come by my house. They haven't been by Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Today. I didn't think they would go this long.
But I am happy, took my children to the doctors today, My daughter, like I figured was caught up on her shots and didn't need a checkup because she just got one 3 months ago. My son only needed one shot. They are healthy and growing like they should. My daughter is 38 inchs tall and my son is 37 inchs tall. So basically 3 foot 2 inchs and 3 foot 1 inch. They are at a good weight. I was really happy with the check up. :) They are doing good. That's a good thing.
Got my bills paid. Well paid my TV and Electric. I got money orders for all the rest. So I guess I got to send those in.
Going to call the school tomorrow and get my daughter in a speech therapy preschool that works with children for special needs. And I'm going to have a person come to my house and work with my son on learning certain things. Though he is where he should be. It can't hurt to learn stuff.
So I hope Child Services will see that I am attempting. Though they are really expecting a lot. I don't think anything I do will please them but at least i'm getting stuff done.
But I am happy, took my children to the doctors today, My daughter, like I figured was caught up on her shots and didn't need a checkup because she just got one 3 months ago. My son only needed one shot. They are healthy and growing like they should. My daughter is 38 inchs tall and my son is 37 inchs tall. So basically 3 foot 2 inchs and 3 foot 1 inch. They are at a good weight. I was really happy with the check up. :) They are doing good. That's a good thing.
Got my bills paid. Well paid my TV and Electric. I got money orders for all the rest. So I guess I got to send those in.
Going to call the school tomorrow and get my daughter in a speech therapy preschool that works with children for special needs. And I'm going to have a person come to my house and work with my son on learning certain things. Though he is where he should be. It can't hurt to learn stuff.
So I hope Child Services will see that I am attempting. Though they are really expecting a lot. I don't think anything I do will please them but at least i'm getting stuff done.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Court Paperwork
It's crazy to think the things they are telling me are wrong in every single way. When I read the court paperwork they weren't what they told me, they were better for me. There were also lies on the paperwork, assumptions, wrong ones at that. It's like they don't know what they are talking about. I am still not looking forward to court, I don't know what to expect. I have never heard of people having to go through things like this, being treated like this, and lied about like this.
Child services still haven't been to my house since Wednesday. So I am pretty positive that they will be here Monday for sure. I don't think they can go Thursday, Friday and all weekend without stopping by and keep letting me go. Plus I need to have a little discussion with some of the stuff on the court paperwork that are lies!
This all gives me a headache. On top of that I still don't have my car up and running. My dad and Uncle have been working on my car on and off maybe 30 minutes at a time every couple weeks for the past 2 months and yet I don't have a running car. It's quite annoying, especially when you live out in the middle of no where, where no buses run through that area and there is nothing you can do without a car.
Well there's my vent for the day.
Child services still haven't been to my house since Wednesday. So I am pretty positive that they will be here Monday for sure. I don't think they can go Thursday, Friday and all weekend without stopping by and keep letting me go. Plus I need to have a little discussion with some of the stuff on the court paperwork that are lies!
This all gives me a headache. On top of that I still don't have my car up and running. My dad and Uncle have been working on my car on and off maybe 30 minutes at a time every couple weeks for the past 2 months and yet I don't have a running car. It's quite annoying, especially when you live out in the middle of no where, where no buses run through that area and there is nothing you can do without a car.
Well there's my vent for the day.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Court is coming too soon
Again no one came by today. They say they will show up randomly, but it's been two days. I don't know if they come on weekends or not... so I just have to be prepared for anything.
But court is coming up in just 1 week. I am not looking forward to it. I looked for a court appointed lawyer, but of course they are full. I don't know how they can be "full" isn't this one of our rights as a US citizen? I don't understand this stuff. I have never been to court before for anything until two days after my son passed away to be told I will get my kids back.
I keep praying each day that I keep my kids, I can't live my life without my kids. They are my everything. They need their mommy. The last time they were gone for 2 days my daughter was scared to get in a car. Them taking kids away is just wrong, it really messes with children especially children that are loved by their parent. I just don't get how they can rip families apart like they do for no good reason...
But court is coming up in just 1 week. I am not looking forward to it. I looked for a court appointed lawyer, but of course they are full. I don't know how they can be "full" isn't this one of our rights as a US citizen? I don't understand this stuff. I have never been to court before for anything until two days after my son passed away to be told I will get my kids back.
I keep praying each day that I keep my kids, I can't live my life without my kids. They are my everything. They need their mommy. The last time they were gone for 2 days my daughter was scared to get in a car. Them taking kids away is just wrong, it really messes with children especially children that are loved by their parent. I just don't get how they can rip families apart like they do for no good reason...
Thursday, November 11, 2010
It's been a month since I said goodbye
I keep thinking that it's been a month since I said goodbye. It's 1:55 am and at this time a month ago he was awake and giggling at me and laughing and just seemed so much happier then ever before. He was such an amazing little boy full of love and excitment. I miss his beautiful smile and those beautiful dimples. I miss his eyes full of learning.
I guess I can share his birth story it was a crazy birth story...
From 37 weeks - 39 weeks pregnant I kept getting braxton hicks that would come 5 minutes apart for hours on end, but I never ran to the hospital because I wanted to wait to see if they would last and they never would. I was due July 8th, 2010. The morning of July 9th, 2010 I woke up at 1 am with some contractions but I just through they were braxton hicks once again so I didn't get too excited. But I stayed awake to see if it was the real deal. They were 15 minutes apart, then the next would be 13, then the next 15, then 12 they weren't consistant so I figured they were just braxton hicks once again.
As time went on they seemed to get closer together but still not consistent. There was even a 30 minute break where I didn't get any contractions. Plus I thought your water had to break for you to be in labor. That's what happened with my last son.
Around 6 am I was STILL getting contractions except now they were like 5 minutes, 7 minutes, 6 minutes, 5 again. So I called the hospital and they told me to come in. I figured they were just going to send me home, so I didn't take my diaper bag or anything. My stepmom watched my kids, my dad was at work. So I got in my car and drove to the hospital. I was on the phone with my mom telling her each time I got a contraction. They were getting closer and more painful. She told me they were about 2-3 minutes apart.
By the time I got myself to the hospital I couldn't walk. I would take 2 steps and cry. Finally someone got me in a wheelchair. I felt like I had to pee, I mean it felt like I was going to pee myself, I kept begging to sit on a toilet. Finally I got to, and that's when I realized I didn't have to pee, that pressure hurt and I couldn't really get off the toilet, finally I got off and got in the hospital bed for the nurse to check me.
She says "Looks like we're going to have a baby today" I said "how far along am I" thinking I would be maybe 5 cm, because I figured that anything further would be PAINFUL. She told me "You're 10 cm" that's when I freaked out. I wanted an epidoral, I wanted something but I got NOTHING. I was crying. I was scared, all by myself about to have a natural birth.
It was 7:00 by the time I got to the hospital and 7:10 when I started pushing. (They had to break my water first) He was already on his way out by the time I got in the bed. So 1-2 pushes and he was out. 7:14 am he was born. I got to cut his cord and hold him. I have to admit it was SO painful having a natural birth, and to have everything they do after without any medicine. But I got to see my son. My beautiful July baby, just like mommy. We were both July babies. He was born 17 days before my birthday, and only 8 before my dad's birthday.
Well that's his birth story, it was a crazy birth. But so rewarding and something that made me stronger.
I guess I can share his birth story it was a crazy birth story...
From 37 weeks - 39 weeks pregnant I kept getting braxton hicks that would come 5 minutes apart for hours on end, but I never ran to the hospital because I wanted to wait to see if they would last and they never would. I was due July 8th, 2010. The morning of July 9th, 2010 I woke up at 1 am with some contractions but I just through they were braxton hicks once again so I didn't get too excited. But I stayed awake to see if it was the real deal. They were 15 minutes apart, then the next would be 13, then the next 15, then 12 they weren't consistant so I figured they were just braxton hicks once again.
As time went on they seemed to get closer together but still not consistent. There was even a 30 minute break where I didn't get any contractions. Plus I thought your water had to break for you to be in labor. That's what happened with my last son.
Around 6 am I was STILL getting contractions except now they were like 5 minutes, 7 minutes, 6 minutes, 5 again. So I called the hospital and they told me to come in. I figured they were just going to send me home, so I didn't take my diaper bag or anything. My stepmom watched my kids, my dad was at work. So I got in my car and drove to the hospital. I was on the phone with my mom telling her each time I got a contraction. They were getting closer and more painful. She told me they were about 2-3 minutes apart.
By the time I got myself to the hospital I couldn't walk. I would take 2 steps and cry. Finally someone got me in a wheelchair. I felt like I had to pee, I mean it felt like I was going to pee myself, I kept begging to sit on a toilet. Finally I got to, and that's when I realized I didn't have to pee, that pressure hurt and I couldn't really get off the toilet, finally I got off and got in the hospital bed for the nurse to check me.
She says "Looks like we're going to have a baby today" I said "how far along am I" thinking I would be maybe 5 cm, because I figured that anything further would be PAINFUL. She told me "You're 10 cm" that's when I freaked out. I wanted an epidoral, I wanted something but I got NOTHING. I was crying. I was scared, all by myself about to have a natural birth.
It was 7:00 by the time I got to the hospital and 7:10 when I started pushing. (They had to break my water first) He was already on his way out by the time I got in the bed. So 1-2 pushes and he was out. 7:14 am he was born. I got to cut his cord and hold him. I have to admit it was SO painful having a natural birth, and to have everything they do after without any medicine. But I got to see my son. My beautiful July baby, just like mommy. We were both July babies. He was born 17 days before my birthday, and only 8 before my dad's birthday.
Well that's his birth story, it was a crazy birth. But so rewarding and something that made me stronger.
Nothing New...But Some Thoughts
Nothing happened today, no one came by to really bother me. Just cleaned my house all day. But I did talk to friends today and last night which brought us all to some good questions, that I really would love answered.
Why is it that parents that do drugs, and actually abuse their children and neglect their children doesn't lose their children? But parents that do care for their kids, and try hard, and sometimes a little down on their luck get messed with the worse?
I also noticed that single parents get it worse then parents that are in a relationship or married. If you have a messy house and you are married, I notice they just walk in and say "clean this house we'll be back in 48 hours to check it out" and that's that. But with me, it wasn't that bad but yet being the single mom I am, they have to up my classes, and come by every other day it seems like to look at my house and tell me everything that's wrong with it... not cool at all.
Here are some examples of people I actually know of that have kept their children.
1. This couple I babysat for, the husband's exwife and childrens mother was the one that had the children. He went to court fighting for his kids rights. But he kept losing except every other weekend and Wednesdays. Which doesn't seem that bad right? Because most people get that. But CPS had been to her house so many times. She had been busted with meth labs, child molestors living in her house, and doing drugs. They didn't take her children away, and she still won in court. Where is the justice?
2. My ex's cousin (who he doesn't talk to because she's a nut) has 4 children. Each came out crack addicted. The oldest isn't so bad, the 2nd oldest couldn't even talk by almost 4, her 3rd couldn't even hold his own head up at a year old and her youngest as I heard has a lump on his head and was born that way. She moved house to house without electricity, had no furniture for her kids, did drugs all the time, has been caught with her children getting ahold of crack pipes, and she's always with the wrong people, running the streets. Guess what, she got to keep her kids.
3. My neighbors behind me actually let their 2 year old daughter run BUTT naked outside, I see her climbing on cars, and just outside naked all the time. I ran over there when I was only living her 2 days and banged on the door. The mother took 10 minutes to get to the door, I was worried so much. "Your daughter is out here, naked and on that car" the mother looks at her daughter and says "She always does that" and walks back inside. She has been caught so many times with her daughter outside naked, even when it's freezing cold outside. Everyone has to bring her daughter back to the house because she runs across the street and stuff. I haven't had to do that yet. I know CPS has been called on her, her neighbors across the street from her called CPS on her, yet she still has her kids and CPS isn't bothering her. We still see her daughter getting outside all the time. It's so sad. To make it worse there is NEVER adult supervision.
My question is WHERE IS THE JUSTICE in any of this? I have a clean background, I am drug free, I have a perfect driving record even, but yet they are putting me through hell. I just don't understand why. I try hard. I made some mistakes, but I corrected my mistakes so they wouldn't happen again. My children are my life, my children are well fed, loved and each have their own room filled with toys and clothes. Yet they don't think I'm good enough for my kids? We have all our bills paid, and LOTS of food in the house, they are spoiled. I think this is a messed up world to treat people like this. So sad to see how our society works in todays world.
Why is it that parents that do drugs, and actually abuse their children and neglect their children doesn't lose their children? But parents that do care for their kids, and try hard, and sometimes a little down on their luck get messed with the worse?
I also noticed that single parents get it worse then parents that are in a relationship or married. If you have a messy house and you are married, I notice they just walk in and say "clean this house we'll be back in 48 hours to check it out" and that's that. But with me, it wasn't that bad but yet being the single mom I am, they have to up my classes, and come by every other day it seems like to look at my house and tell me everything that's wrong with it... not cool at all.
Here are some examples of people I actually know of that have kept their children.
1. This couple I babysat for, the husband's exwife and childrens mother was the one that had the children. He went to court fighting for his kids rights. But he kept losing except every other weekend and Wednesdays. Which doesn't seem that bad right? Because most people get that. But CPS had been to her house so many times. She had been busted with meth labs, child molestors living in her house, and doing drugs. They didn't take her children away, and she still won in court. Where is the justice?
2. My ex's cousin (who he doesn't talk to because she's a nut) has 4 children. Each came out crack addicted. The oldest isn't so bad, the 2nd oldest couldn't even talk by almost 4, her 3rd couldn't even hold his own head up at a year old and her youngest as I heard has a lump on his head and was born that way. She moved house to house without electricity, had no furniture for her kids, did drugs all the time, has been caught with her children getting ahold of crack pipes, and she's always with the wrong people, running the streets. Guess what, she got to keep her kids.
3. My neighbors behind me actually let their 2 year old daughter run BUTT naked outside, I see her climbing on cars, and just outside naked all the time. I ran over there when I was only living her 2 days and banged on the door. The mother took 10 minutes to get to the door, I was worried so much. "Your daughter is out here, naked and on that car" the mother looks at her daughter and says "She always does that" and walks back inside. She has been caught so many times with her daughter outside naked, even when it's freezing cold outside. Everyone has to bring her daughter back to the house because she runs across the street and stuff. I haven't had to do that yet. I know CPS has been called on her, her neighbors across the street from her called CPS on her, yet she still has her kids and CPS isn't bothering her. We still see her daughter getting outside all the time. It's so sad. To make it worse there is NEVER adult supervision.
My question is WHERE IS THE JUSTICE in any of this? I have a clean background, I am drug free, I have a perfect driving record even, but yet they are putting me through hell. I just don't understand why. I try hard. I made some mistakes, but I corrected my mistakes so they wouldn't happen again. My children are my life, my children are well fed, loved and each have their own room filled with toys and clothes. Yet they don't think I'm good enough for my kids? We have all our bills paid, and LOTS of food in the house, they are spoiled. I think this is a messed up world to treat people like this. So sad to see how our society works in todays world.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Child Services...and Treatment...
I said in my last post how CPS was bothering me. I have kept my house clean, I have taken care of my kids, but nothing seems to make them happy. They keep hounding me, and make me feel like such a horrible mother. How can they do this to me?
I'll start from the beginning of this...since my last post what they did.
I know some of this is my fault. Everything was going good. The parenting class lady comes to my house. It seems good. She tells me to just rearrange my pantry of food and do a load of laundry. Because that's really all there was to do in my house. My house is normally clean. All my friends can confirm that I keep my house clean. Just that day there was so much stuff going on plus that weekend so much was going on before my son passed away. My family had come up to visit that weekend. Brought me so much stuff that I had to find a spot for.
My daughters bed was near her window, I had it cracked open. I like fresh air in my house, especially when it's nice out and it's usually cold. But that day was nice. I laid my daughter down for a nap, my son down for a nap and I decided to take a nap in the livingroom. I wasn't really wanting to sleep it just happened. I get woke up to a knock on my door. My daughter had gotten out her window and was just in her shirt. Do you know the fear that crossed my mind hearing this? I felt like something could have happened to her. It was a neighbor that brought her to me. I got her inside and moved her bed, put a lock on her window. I felt like the worse mother in the world. I told my family what had happened. They said that happens to a lot of people. I knew I shouldn't have taken a nap. But I felt a little safer with the lock on the window, plus the lock that was already on the window, and her bed away from there.
The next day, and yes the next day, I was sleeping on the bed with my daughter. I was scared to leave her alone after that. I just have been napping more because I can't sleep at night. I fear at night, I fear for my children because I check on them so many times a night.
I get woke up in my daughters bed (which is a full sized bed) to the CPS lady saying my name I woke up and jumped up. She was in my bedroom door. My daughter, being my daughter had open the door for her. I was double in trouble then. I couldn't believe it. I screwed up twice in two days. I was so scared they were going to take my kids. Then I put a baby door knob handle on all my doors, and a lock at the top of my front door that night. I wish my daughter didn't know how to open doors, but she's 3 and knows how to. Not with the baby doorknob though. There normally is one on it, but my mom had taken it off before she left because she hated it, she could never get that door open.
The original caseworker was at my therapy class, my first one. I told the therapist that I was scared to sleep at night for fear of something happening to my kids, and now I couldn't nap during the day because every time I did something bad happened. The CPS lady turned to me and said "You should be scared to sleep" I couldn't believe she had said that. She told me how they are putting all this in the report. I have court on the 19th for an evaluation to see if I keep my kids or not. I had this gut dropping feeling. She told me that i'm not improving like she was expecting. The therapist explained to me that not sleeping was normal and that the reason I have been sleeping so heavy during napping was because of the loss of my son and my depression of it. She told me I had "PTSD". The CPS lady told me I wasn't showing enough emotion! SERIOUSLY!?! Because I have so many going on I don't know what to do. I'm tired, angry, scared, sad, and just confused! I don't have a chance to be upset, let alone I don't cry in front of people I cry when i'm alone.
The next 3 days I was going on 5 hours of sleep. I was scared to sleep. All I did was clean and clean some more. I moved furniture and vaccumed under it, scrubbed cabinets, did anything that dealt with cleaning. I rearranged my house and just cried all the time. Cried for my son, cried for my children, cried knowing I will probably lose them, cried because I didn't have my family near me, cried because I was doing this all by myself.
The CPS lady showed up at my house, I was actually proud, my house was SPOTLESS. There was one piece of cereal and 4 crumbs on my floor from the kids eatting cereal and the first thing she said is "There shouldn't be food on the floor" then she looked around my house. That's all she could find that was wrong was that tiny mess. I couldn't believe this. They are looking for ANYTHING to use against me. I got defensive when she told me the person speaking for my children and cops didn't want me to have my kids. This is how our conversation went.
Me "You don't know what i'm going through, you won't let me grieve. None of you know what it's like to lose a child and then have all this happen to you"
Her "Quit trying to blame people for your mistakes"
Me "How am I blaming people?"
Her "Saying we didn't lose a child and all that"
Me "I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying"
Her "Enough, I didn't come here to argue"
Then she went on to say what others had reported on my house, like the people that came here, like the lady that spoke for my kids and the other lady. They leave half the story out, the only part they put is the part that will sound bad for me and good for them. I cannot believe this.
I saw my parenting class lady today and told her that I wanted a new caseworker and told her why. I am a little afraid this was probably a bad idea because now my caseworker may be mad. I can see this...
I just don't get why they keep messing with me. I am trying. I am a single mother of three children. But one of my children just passed away and they aren't giving me a chance to just cry, or enjoy my children. Now I look at my kids and just think this could be it, I could lose my kids soon when there are parents out there that are worse then me. I can name like 5 off the top of my head.
I'll start from the beginning of this...since my last post what they did.
I know some of this is my fault. Everything was going good. The parenting class lady comes to my house. It seems good. She tells me to just rearrange my pantry of food and do a load of laundry. Because that's really all there was to do in my house. My house is normally clean. All my friends can confirm that I keep my house clean. Just that day there was so much stuff going on plus that weekend so much was going on before my son passed away. My family had come up to visit that weekend. Brought me so much stuff that I had to find a spot for.
My daughters bed was near her window, I had it cracked open. I like fresh air in my house, especially when it's nice out and it's usually cold. But that day was nice. I laid my daughter down for a nap, my son down for a nap and I decided to take a nap in the livingroom. I wasn't really wanting to sleep it just happened. I get woke up to a knock on my door. My daughter had gotten out her window and was just in her shirt. Do you know the fear that crossed my mind hearing this? I felt like something could have happened to her. It was a neighbor that brought her to me. I got her inside and moved her bed, put a lock on her window. I felt like the worse mother in the world. I told my family what had happened. They said that happens to a lot of people. I knew I shouldn't have taken a nap. But I felt a little safer with the lock on the window, plus the lock that was already on the window, and her bed away from there.
The next day, and yes the next day, I was sleeping on the bed with my daughter. I was scared to leave her alone after that. I just have been napping more because I can't sleep at night. I fear at night, I fear for my children because I check on them so many times a night.
I get woke up in my daughters bed (which is a full sized bed) to the CPS lady saying my name I woke up and jumped up. She was in my bedroom door. My daughter, being my daughter had open the door for her. I was double in trouble then. I couldn't believe it. I screwed up twice in two days. I was so scared they were going to take my kids. Then I put a baby door knob handle on all my doors, and a lock at the top of my front door that night. I wish my daughter didn't know how to open doors, but she's 3 and knows how to. Not with the baby doorknob though. There normally is one on it, but my mom had taken it off before she left because she hated it, she could never get that door open.
The original caseworker was at my therapy class, my first one. I told the therapist that I was scared to sleep at night for fear of something happening to my kids, and now I couldn't nap during the day because every time I did something bad happened. The CPS lady turned to me and said "You should be scared to sleep" I couldn't believe she had said that. She told me how they are putting all this in the report. I have court on the 19th for an evaluation to see if I keep my kids or not. I had this gut dropping feeling. She told me that i'm not improving like she was expecting. The therapist explained to me that not sleeping was normal and that the reason I have been sleeping so heavy during napping was because of the loss of my son and my depression of it. She told me I had "PTSD". The CPS lady told me I wasn't showing enough emotion! SERIOUSLY!?! Because I have so many going on I don't know what to do. I'm tired, angry, scared, sad, and just confused! I don't have a chance to be upset, let alone I don't cry in front of people I cry when i'm alone.
The next 3 days I was going on 5 hours of sleep. I was scared to sleep. All I did was clean and clean some more. I moved furniture and vaccumed under it, scrubbed cabinets, did anything that dealt with cleaning. I rearranged my house and just cried all the time. Cried for my son, cried for my children, cried knowing I will probably lose them, cried because I didn't have my family near me, cried because I was doing this all by myself.
The CPS lady showed up at my house, I was actually proud, my house was SPOTLESS. There was one piece of cereal and 4 crumbs on my floor from the kids eatting cereal and the first thing she said is "There shouldn't be food on the floor" then she looked around my house. That's all she could find that was wrong was that tiny mess. I couldn't believe this. They are looking for ANYTHING to use against me. I got defensive when she told me the person speaking for my children and cops didn't want me to have my kids. This is how our conversation went.
Me "You don't know what i'm going through, you won't let me grieve. None of you know what it's like to lose a child and then have all this happen to you"
Her "Quit trying to blame people for your mistakes"
Me "How am I blaming people?"
Her "Saying we didn't lose a child and all that"
Me "I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying"
Her "Enough, I didn't come here to argue"
Then she went on to say what others had reported on my house, like the people that came here, like the lady that spoke for my kids and the other lady. They leave half the story out, the only part they put is the part that will sound bad for me and good for them. I cannot believe this.
I saw my parenting class lady today and told her that I wanted a new caseworker and told her why. I am a little afraid this was probably a bad idea because now my caseworker may be mad. I can see this...
I just don't get why they keep messing with me. I am trying. I am a single mother of three children. But one of my children just passed away and they aren't giving me a chance to just cry, or enjoy my children. Now I look at my kids and just think this could be it, I could lose my kids soon when there are parents out there that are worse then me. I can name like 5 off the top of my head.
Loss of my Baby and The Week After
So much has gone on and I thought maybe writing a personal blog might help me out, and get some of my feelings out and help me feel better.
I had such a horrible year. I cannot wait for the next year to begin it all started back in January of 2010 when I found out my boyfriend was leaving me. Not just that he was leaving me, but he one day just didn't come home from work. Come to find out he had moved 30 hours away. What makes it worse is that I was pregnant with his son and had two other children from a previous relationship.
He left me with an apartment, but no car, and an eviction notice the next day because all the money I had given him for rent, wasn't really going to rent, but instead his pocket. His excuse later on when he finally told me 3 weeks later was that he was stressed because he had lost his good paying job and had to work a minimum wage job, and was having a baby.
Moms can't just run away, but I guess it's easy for a "father" to. So I moved in with Friends because I didn't want to run back to my parents to help me again. But my friends turned out to be two faced, go figure. They were very well respected people, good jobs, great kids, at first life seemed good with them. But they turned around and were another group of horrible people.
So my dad came to the rescue in June of 2010. Life was actually looking up. I got my own place just 3 hours away from my dad. I had my beautiful son July 09 2010. That was a crazy labor, maybe a blog for another day? But to continue my story... I got my own car, my own place, met new friends. Had my three beautiful children with me. Nothing could have gotten better then this. Who could ask for more? I was enjoying life as a mother.
Then the day of Oct. 12, 2010 was the life changing day that changed me for life and started my life that I know today. I saw my beautiful boy at 2 am laughing and giggling, and just seemed happier then normal. He looked so happy. I gave him a bottle and laid him down. He fell asleep on the couch so I let him sleep there. Around 2:30 am I decided to lay down by him. The girls I watched got there at 4 am, but they always went to bed till 7 am when I had to get them up and ready for school.
7:30 am I hear a pounding at my door, my neighbor that NEVER comes to my house in the mornings came over. She walked in and told me if I heard my alarm going off and she needed something. I looked at the clock and jumped and ran into the room to wake up the little girl I babysit. Then walked back into the living room and noticed the blanket had went over my son. I ran over to him and uncovered him. He looked so peaceful there. But so pale. I put my hand on his chest, because I always check my childrens breathing when they sleep. But his chest wasn't moving. I lifted him up in such a panic. He was so limp and hot. I ran outside and screamed to my neighbor that came over to call 9-1-1 that my son wasn't breathing. I tried CPR on my son, and realized I had no idea what I was doing and my neighbor wasn't listening to me begging her to help me so I screamed at the top of my lungs "someone please save my baby" and a neighbor came running out and told me a first responder lived right across the street. I ran there and handed him my son. He took him inside at that point I fell to the grounded praying out loud and crying and shaking for God to save my son.
It was 7:33 am that we called 9-1-1 but it felt much longer. It took 5 mintues for the ambulance to get there. I got a ride from the police to the hospital as my other neighbors and good friends sat with my kids. I got to the hospital and sat in a room with a man I didn't know who he was and a detective. They asked me a thousand questions. I was still in shock and scared. At this point I didn't know if my son was alive or had passed away. Three nurses came into the room. One put her hand on my back and one on my knee. I plugged my ears, I knew what they were going to say and just said I don't want to hear it. But I heard her say "We tried everything..." then I didn't hear more she said and she asked "Do you want to be there when we pronounce him dead" I shook my head. I just said "Please let me call my Dad and Mom" I needed my family. My life was falling apart. It felt like a nightmare. I was waiting to wake up.
I called my mom and just said "mom I have horrible news" she asked me what. I said "Brayden passed away" she goes "what? how" and I just couldn't talk about it and told her to hurry down here. She lives five hours from me.
Then I called my dad and started off the same. But then I lifted the phone away from my head. I couldn't tell my dad his grandson didn't make it and told the nurse to please tell my dad. I didn't want to tell him, it would make it too real. How could I be saying that my son was gone? He was just a baby!
After 3 hours of questions, my neighbors wife, my good friend was there. We went to go see my son. This felt like such a long walk. I closed my eyes, I didn't want to watch myself walk to that room. We got to the room to see him and I looked at the ground and said "I can't" and the guy in the room I didn't know was really a preacher. We said a prayer for my son then I looked up and got to see him. He was so pale. So little. So helpless. I felt like I was a horrible mother. I wanted to just lift him up and hold him and hear him cry out for me. But instead I sat next to him wrapped in that blanket and looked at him. I rubbed his hair, I held his hand and told him how sorry I was and how much I loved him. I got to rub his feet, and kissed his face and nose and cheeks and hands. The nurse told me how beautiful my baby was.
I got home and my dad showed up. CPS was at my house. My kids were at my neighbors house. Playing outside. I didn't know what to expect. I finally got to hold my kids and kiss them and just felt a little better having them there. Then the CPS lady and detective told me to come in my house. It looked like crap in there from everyone walking in and out. They shut the door and told me the bad news that I was going to have my kids taken away. I quit listening to them and ran out of the house into my dads arms. "Dad, Dad they are taking my kids!!" I didn't have a choice, they wouldn't let my parents take them. I had to see my kids get taken away. I fell to the ground and cried.
They said my house was messy and not good for the children. I was so mad. It was the fault of the people coming in and out of my house for the mess. What the report said was this and yes I have a reason for it all! My livingroom had food on the floor. BECAUSE THE POLICE and my FRIEND fed my kids while I was at the hospital! I guess they didn't feel the need to clean it up. There were flies in the house. WELL YEAH! You guys had my door wide open all day while again I WAS AT THE HOSPITAL. and it's hot out so yeah flies get in! There was a bucket with chemicals in it. Well lets see because I was MOPPING my floor that night before I went to bed. I forgot to dump it out. There was a razor on the counter in the bathroom and an inch or two of water in the tub. I had shaved my legs that night and forgot to drain out the bathtub. I just needed that shave. I wish I wouldn't have. Dirty Dishes. Yeah okay this one is my fault, stupid me, I didn't do the dishes that night.
That was their reason for taking my kids. Then they complained my son had an oversized shirt on, that was too big for him. I had to get him dressed before I went to the hospital at that moment of panic I just grabbed the first outfit that went in my hand and put it on my kids. My kids when I had gotten back from the hospital were outside playing. But I got in trouble for them getting dirt on them, even though they were clean when I had left to go to the hospital.
I saw my kids the day after my son passed away. But was told I can't cry in front of them, can't take pictures of them, can't give them any gifts, can't be left alone with them. I couldn't believe I had RULES around my children. I got two hours with them.
Thursday, Oct. 14th I went to court. I was told that my children need services for me to get them back so I agreed. I was told I will get them back 8 pm that night but I have to attend parenting classes and a therapy class each week. Easy enough right? Well it's not as easy as you would think... this will be another blog explaining this!
Before I got my kids my dad wanted a final goodbye to my son. We went to the hospital to see my son. The hospital had no idea where he was, and he wasn't in the records. We were furious, how can they lose my son? They called around and found him at a funeral home. We went to the funeral home and my dad went in first to see my son to make sure he was okay for me to see.
Come to find out the funeral director had no idea whose baby Brayden was or even his name. He was just handed a baby. So he was enbombed without our premission because he had no idea. I got to see my son. He looked like a little doll. I kissed him and told him I loved him.
I got my kids back that night, it was such an amazing feeling to have them back in my arms again!! I kissed them. I was so grateful to have my babies. My mom was staying with me that week to help support me.
Friday, Oct. 15th we went back to the funeral home for the obituary, plan funeral arrangements and give him the outfit for Brayden. I got to see my son one last time, but I wanted to be alone with him. I looked at him, sitting there, he was so cold, I wanted to be able to warm him up again and make him be the Bray Bray I remember. But I just kissed him and rubbed his head and talked to him. I sung him his favorite song. And told him goodbye one final time. We chose to cremate him.
Friday, Oct. 22nd I got my son back. He was cremated and now he has a beautiful little urn.
Saturday, Nov. 6th, we did his memorial. It was a sweet little memorial. I got to see family that has never met my kids and I haven't seen for 5 plus years. But that day I found out my Uncle passed away the day before. Which was sad.
Okay this is my blog of my sons passing, and what happened afterwards. I will post more blogs of what child services is putting me through...and keep updated. I can see this being a long drawn out thing...
I had such a horrible year. I cannot wait for the next year to begin it all started back in January of 2010 when I found out my boyfriend was leaving me. Not just that he was leaving me, but he one day just didn't come home from work. Come to find out he had moved 30 hours away. What makes it worse is that I was pregnant with his son and had two other children from a previous relationship.
He left me with an apartment, but no car, and an eviction notice the next day because all the money I had given him for rent, wasn't really going to rent, but instead his pocket. His excuse later on when he finally told me 3 weeks later was that he was stressed because he had lost his good paying job and had to work a minimum wage job, and was having a baby.
Moms can't just run away, but I guess it's easy for a "father" to. So I moved in with Friends because I didn't want to run back to my parents to help me again. But my friends turned out to be two faced, go figure. They were very well respected people, good jobs, great kids, at first life seemed good with them. But they turned around and were another group of horrible people.
So my dad came to the rescue in June of 2010. Life was actually looking up. I got my own place just 3 hours away from my dad. I had my beautiful son July 09 2010. That was a crazy labor, maybe a blog for another day? But to continue my story... I got my own car, my own place, met new friends. Had my three beautiful children with me. Nothing could have gotten better then this. Who could ask for more? I was enjoying life as a mother.
Then the day of Oct. 12, 2010 was the life changing day that changed me for life and started my life that I know today. I saw my beautiful boy at 2 am laughing and giggling, and just seemed happier then normal. He looked so happy. I gave him a bottle and laid him down. He fell asleep on the couch so I let him sleep there. Around 2:30 am I decided to lay down by him. The girls I watched got there at 4 am, but they always went to bed till 7 am when I had to get them up and ready for school.
7:30 am I hear a pounding at my door, my neighbor that NEVER comes to my house in the mornings came over. She walked in and told me if I heard my alarm going off and she needed something. I looked at the clock and jumped and ran into the room to wake up the little girl I babysit. Then walked back into the living room and noticed the blanket had went over my son. I ran over to him and uncovered him. He looked so peaceful there. But so pale. I put my hand on his chest, because I always check my childrens breathing when they sleep. But his chest wasn't moving. I lifted him up in such a panic. He was so limp and hot. I ran outside and screamed to my neighbor that came over to call 9-1-1 that my son wasn't breathing. I tried CPR on my son, and realized I had no idea what I was doing and my neighbor wasn't listening to me begging her to help me so I screamed at the top of my lungs "someone please save my baby" and a neighbor came running out and told me a first responder lived right across the street. I ran there and handed him my son. He took him inside at that point I fell to the grounded praying out loud and crying and shaking for God to save my son.
It was 7:33 am that we called 9-1-1 but it felt much longer. It took 5 mintues for the ambulance to get there. I got a ride from the police to the hospital as my other neighbors and good friends sat with my kids. I got to the hospital and sat in a room with a man I didn't know who he was and a detective. They asked me a thousand questions. I was still in shock and scared. At this point I didn't know if my son was alive or had passed away. Three nurses came into the room. One put her hand on my back and one on my knee. I plugged my ears, I knew what they were going to say and just said I don't want to hear it. But I heard her say "We tried everything..." then I didn't hear more she said and she asked "Do you want to be there when we pronounce him dead" I shook my head. I just said "Please let me call my Dad and Mom" I needed my family. My life was falling apart. It felt like a nightmare. I was waiting to wake up.
I called my mom and just said "mom I have horrible news" she asked me what. I said "Brayden passed away" she goes "what? how" and I just couldn't talk about it and told her to hurry down here. She lives five hours from me.
Then I called my dad and started off the same. But then I lifted the phone away from my head. I couldn't tell my dad his grandson didn't make it and told the nurse to please tell my dad. I didn't want to tell him, it would make it too real. How could I be saying that my son was gone? He was just a baby!
After 3 hours of questions, my neighbors wife, my good friend was there. We went to go see my son. This felt like such a long walk. I closed my eyes, I didn't want to watch myself walk to that room. We got to the room to see him and I looked at the ground and said "I can't" and the guy in the room I didn't know was really a preacher. We said a prayer for my son then I looked up and got to see him. He was so pale. So little. So helpless. I felt like I was a horrible mother. I wanted to just lift him up and hold him and hear him cry out for me. But instead I sat next to him wrapped in that blanket and looked at him. I rubbed his hair, I held his hand and told him how sorry I was and how much I loved him. I got to rub his feet, and kissed his face and nose and cheeks and hands. The nurse told me how beautiful my baby was.
I got home and my dad showed up. CPS was at my house. My kids were at my neighbors house. Playing outside. I didn't know what to expect. I finally got to hold my kids and kiss them and just felt a little better having them there. Then the CPS lady and detective told me to come in my house. It looked like crap in there from everyone walking in and out. They shut the door and told me the bad news that I was going to have my kids taken away. I quit listening to them and ran out of the house into my dads arms. "Dad, Dad they are taking my kids!!" I didn't have a choice, they wouldn't let my parents take them. I had to see my kids get taken away. I fell to the ground and cried.
They said my house was messy and not good for the children. I was so mad. It was the fault of the people coming in and out of my house for the mess. What the report said was this and yes I have a reason for it all! My livingroom had food on the floor. BECAUSE THE POLICE and my FRIEND fed my kids while I was at the hospital! I guess they didn't feel the need to clean it up. There were flies in the house. WELL YEAH! You guys had my door wide open all day while again I WAS AT THE HOSPITAL. and it's hot out so yeah flies get in! There was a bucket with chemicals in it. Well lets see because I was MOPPING my floor that night before I went to bed. I forgot to dump it out. There was a razor on the counter in the bathroom and an inch or two of water in the tub. I had shaved my legs that night and forgot to drain out the bathtub. I just needed that shave. I wish I wouldn't have. Dirty Dishes. Yeah okay this one is my fault, stupid me, I didn't do the dishes that night.
That was their reason for taking my kids. Then they complained my son had an oversized shirt on, that was too big for him. I had to get him dressed before I went to the hospital at that moment of panic I just grabbed the first outfit that went in my hand and put it on my kids. My kids when I had gotten back from the hospital were outside playing. But I got in trouble for them getting dirt on them, even though they were clean when I had left to go to the hospital.
I saw my kids the day after my son passed away. But was told I can't cry in front of them, can't take pictures of them, can't give them any gifts, can't be left alone with them. I couldn't believe I had RULES around my children. I got two hours with them.
Thursday, Oct. 14th I went to court. I was told that my children need services for me to get them back so I agreed. I was told I will get them back 8 pm that night but I have to attend parenting classes and a therapy class each week. Easy enough right? Well it's not as easy as you would think... this will be another blog explaining this!
Before I got my kids my dad wanted a final goodbye to my son. We went to the hospital to see my son. The hospital had no idea where he was, and he wasn't in the records. We were furious, how can they lose my son? They called around and found him at a funeral home. We went to the funeral home and my dad went in first to see my son to make sure he was okay for me to see.
Come to find out the funeral director had no idea whose baby Brayden was or even his name. He was just handed a baby. So he was enbombed without our premission because he had no idea. I got to see my son. He looked like a little doll. I kissed him and told him I loved him.
I got my kids back that night, it was such an amazing feeling to have them back in my arms again!! I kissed them. I was so grateful to have my babies. My mom was staying with me that week to help support me.
Friday, Oct. 15th we went back to the funeral home for the obituary, plan funeral arrangements and give him the outfit for Brayden. I got to see my son one last time, but I wanted to be alone with him. I looked at him, sitting there, he was so cold, I wanted to be able to warm him up again and make him be the Bray Bray I remember. But I just kissed him and rubbed his head and talked to him. I sung him his favorite song. And told him goodbye one final time. We chose to cremate him.
Friday, Oct. 22nd I got my son back. He was cremated and now he has a beautiful little urn.
Saturday, Nov. 6th, we did his memorial. It was a sweet little memorial. I got to see family that has never met my kids and I haven't seen for 5 plus years. But that day I found out my Uncle passed away the day before. Which was sad.
Okay this is my blog of my sons passing, and what happened afterwards. I will post more blogs of what child services is putting me through...and keep updated. I can see this being a long drawn out thing...
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