I said in my last post how CPS was bothering me. I have kept my house clean, I have taken care of my kids, but nothing seems to make them happy. They keep hounding me, and make me feel like such a horrible mother. How can they do this to me?
I'll start from the beginning of this...since my last post what they did.
I know some of this is my fault. Everything was going good. The parenting class lady comes to my house. It seems good. She tells me to just rearrange my pantry of food and do a load of laundry. Because that's really all there was to do in my house. My house is normally clean. All my friends can confirm that I keep my house clean. Just that day there was so much stuff going on plus that weekend so much was going on before my son passed away. My family had come up to visit that weekend. Brought me so much stuff that I had to find a spot for.
My daughters bed was near her window, I had it cracked open. I like fresh air in my house, especially when it's nice out and it's usually cold. But that day was nice. I laid my daughter down for a nap, my son down for a nap and I decided to take a nap in the livingroom. I wasn't really wanting to sleep it just happened. I get woke up to a knock on my door. My daughter had gotten out her window and was just in her shirt. Do you know the fear that crossed my mind hearing this? I felt like something could have happened to her. It was a neighbor that brought her to me. I got her inside and moved her bed, put a lock on her window. I felt like the worse mother in the world. I told my family what had happened. They said that happens to a lot of people. I knew I shouldn't have taken a nap. But I felt a little safer with the lock on the window, plus the lock that was already on the window, and her bed away from there.
The next day, and yes the next day, I was sleeping on the bed with my daughter. I was scared to leave her alone after that. I just have been napping more because I can't sleep at night. I fear at night, I fear for my children because I check on them so many times a night.
I get woke up in my daughters bed (which is a full sized bed) to the CPS lady saying my name I woke up and jumped up. She was in my bedroom door. My daughter, being my daughter had open the door for her. I was double in trouble then. I couldn't believe it. I screwed up twice in two days. I was so scared they were going to take my kids. Then I put a baby door knob handle on all my doors, and a lock at the top of my front door that night. I wish my daughter didn't know how to open doors, but she's 3 and knows how to. Not with the baby doorknob though. There normally is one on it, but my mom had taken it off before she left because she hated it, she could never get that door open.
The original caseworker was at my therapy class, my first one. I told the therapist that I was scared to sleep at night for fear of something happening to my kids, and now I couldn't nap during the day because every time I did something bad happened. The CPS lady turned to me and said "You should be scared to sleep" I couldn't believe she had said that. She told me how they are putting all this in the report. I have court on the 19th for an evaluation to see if I keep my kids or not. I had this gut dropping feeling. She told me that i'm not improving like she was expecting. The therapist explained to me that not sleeping was normal and that the reason I have been sleeping so heavy during napping was because of the loss of my son and my depression of it. She told me I had "PTSD". The CPS lady told me I wasn't showing enough emotion! SERIOUSLY!?! Because I have so many going on I don't know what to do. I'm tired, angry, scared, sad, and just confused! I don't have a chance to be upset, let alone I don't cry in front of people I cry when i'm alone.
The next 3 days I was going on 5 hours of sleep. I was scared to sleep. All I did was clean and clean some more. I moved furniture and vaccumed under it, scrubbed cabinets, did anything that dealt with cleaning. I rearranged my house and just cried all the time. Cried for my son, cried for my children, cried knowing I will probably lose them, cried because I didn't have my family near me, cried because I was doing this all by myself.
The CPS lady showed up at my house, I was actually proud, my house was SPOTLESS. There was one piece of cereal and 4 crumbs on my floor from the kids eatting cereal and the first thing she said is "There shouldn't be food on the floor" then she looked around my house. That's all she could find that was wrong was that tiny mess. I couldn't believe this. They are looking for ANYTHING to use against me. I got defensive when she told me the person speaking for my children and cops didn't want me to have my kids. This is how our conversation went.
Me "You don't know what i'm going through, you won't let me grieve. None of you know what it's like to lose a child and then have all this happen to you"
Her "Quit trying to blame people for your mistakes"
Me "How am I blaming people?"
Her "Saying we didn't lose a child and all that"
Me "I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying"
Her "Enough, I didn't come here to argue"
Then she went on to say what others had reported on my house, like the people that came here, like the lady that spoke for my kids and the other lady. They leave half the story out, the only part they put is the part that will sound bad for me and good for them. I cannot believe this.
I saw my parenting class lady today and told her that I wanted a new caseworker and told her why. I am a little afraid this was probably a bad idea because now my caseworker may be mad. I can see this...
I just don't get why they keep messing with me. I am trying. I am a single mother of three children. But one of my children just passed away and they aren't giving me a chance to just cry, or enjoy my children. Now I look at my kids and just think this could be it, I could lose my kids soon when there are parents out there that are worse then me. I can name like 5 off the top of my head.
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