So much has gone on and I thought maybe writing a personal blog might help me out, and get some of my feelings out and help me feel better.
I had such a horrible year. I cannot wait for the next year to begin it all started back in January of 2010 when I found out my boyfriend was leaving me. Not just that he was leaving me, but he one day just didn't come home from work. Come to find out he had moved 30 hours away. What makes it worse is that I was pregnant with his son and had two other children from a previous relationship.
He left me with an apartment, but no car, and an eviction notice the next day because all the money I had given him for rent, wasn't really going to rent, but instead his pocket. His excuse later on when he finally told me 3 weeks later was that he was stressed because he had lost his good paying job and had to work a minimum wage job, and was having a baby.
Moms can't just run away, but I guess it's easy for a "father" to. So I moved in with Friends because I didn't want to run back to my parents to help me again. But my friends turned out to be two faced, go figure. They were very well respected people, good jobs, great kids, at first life seemed good with them. But they turned around and were another group of horrible people.
So my dad came to the rescue in June of 2010. Life was actually looking up. I got my own place just 3 hours away from my dad. I had my beautiful son July 09 2010. That was a crazy labor, maybe a blog for another day? But to continue my story... I got my own car, my own place, met new friends. Had my three beautiful children with me. Nothing could have gotten better then this. Who could ask for more? I was enjoying life as a mother.
Then the day of Oct. 12, 2010 was the life changing day that changed me for life and started my life that I know today. I saw my beautiful boy at 2 am laughing and giggling, and just seemed happier then normal. He looked so happy. I gave him a bottle and laid him down. He fell asleep on the couch so I let him sleep there. Around 2:30 am I decided to lay down by him. The girls I watched got there at 4 am, but they always went to bed till 7 am when I had to get them up and ready for school.
7:30 am I hear a pounding at my door, my neighbor that NEVER comes to my house in the mornings came over. She walked in and told me if I heard my alarm going off and she needed something. I looked at the clock and jumped and ran into the room to wake up the little girl I babysit. Then walked back into the living room and noticed the blanket had went over my son. I ran over to him and uncovered him. He looked so peaceful there. But so pale. I put my hand on his chest, because I always check my childrens breathing when they sleep. But his chest wasn't moving. I lifted him up in such a panic. He was so limp and hot. I ran outside and screamed to my neighbor that came over to call 9-1-1 that my son wasn't breathing. I tried CPR on my son, and realized I had no idea what I was doing and my neighbor wasn't listening to me begging her to help me so I screamed at the top of my lungs "someone please save my baby" and a neighbor came running out and told me a first responder lived right across the street. I ran there and handed him my son. He took him inside at that point I fell to the grounded praying out loud and crying and shaking for God to save my son.
It was 7:33 am that we called 9-1-1 but it felt much longer. It took 5 mintues for the ambulance to get there. I got a ride from the police to the hospital as my other neighbors and good friends sat with my kids. I got to the hospital and sat in a room with a man I didn't know who he was and a detective. They asked me a thousand questions. I was still in shock and scared. At this point I didn't know if my son was alive or had passed away. Three nurses came into the room. One put her hand on my back and one on my knee. I plugged my ears, I knew what they were going to say and just said I don't want to hear it. But I heard her say "We tried everything..." then I didn't hear more she said and she asked "Do you want to be there when we pronounce him dead" I shook my head. I just said "Please let me call my Dad and Mom" I needed my family. My life was falling apart. It felt like a nightmare. I was waiting to wake up.
I called my mom and just said "mom I have horrible news" she asked me what. I said "Brayden passed away" she goes "what? how" and I just couldn't talk about it and told her to hurry down here. She lives five hours from me.
Then I called my dad and started off the same. But then I lifted the phone away from my head. I couldn't tell my dad his grandson didn't make it and told the nurse to please tell my dad. I didn't want to tell him, it would make it too real. How could I be saying that my son was gone? He was just a baby!
After 3 hours of questions, my neighbors wife, my good friend was there. We went to go see my son. This felt like such a long walk. I closed my eyes, I didn't want to watch myself walk to that room. We got to the room to see him and I looked at the ground and said "I can't" and the guy in the room I didn't know was really a preacher. We said a prayer for my son then I looked up and got to see him. He was so pale. So little. So helpless. I felt like I was a horrible mother. I wanted to just lift him up and hold him and hear him cry out for me. But instead I sat next to him wrapped in that blanket and looked at him. I rubbed his hair, I held his hand and told him how sorry I was and how much I loved him. I got to rub his feet, and kissed his face and nose and cheeks and hands. The nurse told me how beautiful my baby was.
I got home and my dad showed up. CPS was at my house. My kids were at my neighbors house. Playing outside. I didn't know what to expect. I finally got to hold my kids and kiss them and just felt a little better having them there. Then the CPS lady and detective told me to come in my house. It looked like crap in there from everyone walking in and out. They shut the door and told me the bad news that I was going to have my kids taken away. I quit listening to them and ran out of the house into my dads arms. "Dad, Dad they are taking my kids!!" I didn't have a choice, they wouldn't let my parents take them. I had to see my kids get taken away. I fell to the ground and cried.
They said my house was messy and not good for the children. I was so mad. It was the fault of the people coming in and out of my house for the mess. What the report said was this and yes I have a reason for it all! My livingroom had food on the floor. BECAUSE THE POLICE and my FRIEND fed my kids while I was at the hospital! I guess they didn't feel the need to clean it up. There were flies in the house. WELL YEAH! You guys had my door wide open all day while again I WAS AT THE HOSPITAL. and it's hot out so yeah flies get in! There was a bucket with chemicals in it. Well lets see because I was MOPPING my floor that night before I went to bed. I forgot to dump it out. There was a razor on the counter in the bathroom and an inch or two of water in the tub. I had shaved my legs that night and forgot to drain out the bathtub. I just needed that shave. I wish I wouldn't have. Dirty Dishes. Yeah okay this one is my fault, stupid me, I didn't do the dishes that night.
That was their reason for taking my kids. Then they complained my son had an oversized shirt on, that was too big for him. I had to get him dressed before I went to the hospital at that moment of panic I just grabbed the first outfit that went in my hand and put it on my kids. My kids when I had gotten back from the hospital were outside playing. But I got in trouble for them getting dirt on them, even though they were clean when I had left to go to the hospital.
I saw my kids the day after my son passed away. But was told I can't cry in front of them, can't take pictures of them, can't give them any gifts, can't be left alone with them. I couldn't believe I had RULES around my children. I got two hours with them.
Thursday, Oct. 14th I went to court. I was told that my children need services for me to get them back so I agreed. I was told I will get them back 8 pm that night but I have to attend parenting classes and a therapy class each week. Easy enough right? Well it's not as easy as you would think... this will be another blog explaining this!
Before I got my kids my dad wanted a final goodbye to my son. We went to the hospital to see my son. The hospital had no idea where he was, and he wasn't in the records. We were furious, how can they lose my son? They called around and found him at a funeral home. We went to the funeral home and my dad went in first to see my son to make sure he was okay for me to see.
Come to find out the funeral director had no idea whose baby Brayden was or even his name. He was just handed a baby. So he was enbombed without our premission because he had no idea. I got to see my son. He looked like a little doll. I kissed him and told him I loved him.
I got my kids back that night, it was such an amazing feeling to have them back in my arms again!! I kissed them. I was so grateful to have my babies. My mom was staying with me that week to help support me.
Friday, Oct. 15th we went back to the funeral home for the obituary, plan funeral arrangements and give him the outfit for Brayden. I got to see my son one last time, but I wanted to be alone with him. I looked at him, sitting there, he was so cold, I wanted to be able to warm him up again and make him be the Bray Bray I remember. But I just kissed him and rubbed his head and talked to him. I sung him his favorite song. And told him goodbye one final time. We chose to cremate him.
Friday, Oct. 22nd I got my son back. He was cremated and now he has a beautiful little urn.
Saturday, Nov. 6th, we did his memorial. It was a sweet little memorial. I got to see family that has never met my kids and I haven't seen for 5 plus years. But that day I found out my Uncle passed away the day before. Which was sad.
Okay this is my blog of my sons passing, and what happened afterwards. I will post more blogs of what child services is putting me through...and keep updated. I can see this being a long drawn out thing...
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